I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
