I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
