My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
