I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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