I wish my penis had an off switch
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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