SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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