Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
