i think my mom watched the whole time
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
