If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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