genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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