She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
