I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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