It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
