You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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