Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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