we have pet lesbian snakes
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
