Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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