i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
