census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
