Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
