My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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