Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
