idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
