Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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