You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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