Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
