Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
