I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
