he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
