i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
