eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
