So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
