Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
