Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
