I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
