Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
