At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
