Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
