M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have tasted many bathrooms
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
