dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
