the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
