My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
