i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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