1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
