Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
