So drunk its hurt
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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