I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
