Where is the hickey?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
