You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
