I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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